


The birds are against us

by miraculousghostspider



Category: Danny Phantom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Crack, Danny is confusion, Gen, Humor, I murder innocent sandwiches, Peter Parker falls in love, Peter Parker is attacked by an evil bird, at least attempted, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:34:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24329617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraculousghostspider/pseuds/miraculousghostspider
Summary: Here lies Peter Parker.  Killed to death by a bird trying to steal his sandwich on patrol.  May he rest in peace.
Relationships: Danny Fenton & Peter Parker, Danny Fenton/Peter Parker, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & a random bird
Comments: 31
Kudos: 395





	The birds are against us

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in like five minutes. Nothing in it is meant to be taken seriously.

Peter stared down the pigeon on the roof, not willing to let it win. It stepped closer, and he cursed, jumping back.

"No," he said to himself. "I'm _Spider-Man_. Spider-Man doesn't let stupid pigeons steal his sandwiches."

The bird took another step and he shrieked, taking another bite. Maybe if he ate fast enough it wouldn't attack. Who was he kidding? His Parker luck would never be so kind as to save him.

_Here lies Peter Parker. Killed to death by a bird trying to steal his sandwich on patrol. May he rest in peace._

The pigeon cooed and leaned forward, acting as though it _wasn't_ the physical incarnation of Death itself.

"I could beat you up," Peter told it seriously. "I can lift ten tons, you know that right?" The pigeon was unaffected. "I have taser we— _oh God please don't kill me."_

He glared at the bird, though the mask that had been lifted above his nose probably diminished the fear factor. If it wasn't there, that bird would be quaking in it's villainous feathers, he was sure of it.

It stepped forward and Peter gasped, choking on his bite of sandwich. He bet that was the bird's fault.

"Why are you so mean?" he asked, backing up against the doorway that led to the inside of the skyscraper he had paused on. Little had he known he would meet his greatest enemy on that skyscraper. Otherwise he wouldn't have come. (Okay, he probably would've. But that wasn't important right then!) _"I_ know. You're not _really_ a bird at all, are you? You're an evil shapeshifter that turns into birds to torment innocent superheroes. Jokes on you, _I_ figured you out. You'd better believe I'm not taking my mask off _now."_

The bird cooed again, and Peter let out an embarrassing whimper. "Hey Karen," he whispered.

"Yes Peter?"

 _"Shh,_ don't tell it my _name."_

"Peter, I assure you, the bird can't hear me."

"D'you think this counts as a call Mr. Stark emergency."

"I don't believe it would." She sounded amused, as though he wasn't in a _life-threatening situation_ at the moment. He took an huge bite of his sandwich, taunting the bird.

It flew forward a few feet and Peter screamed, the sound muffled by the bread shoved in his mouth. God, no one would even hear his cries as he was murdered.

"Tell Mr. Stark he can have my plastic Iron Man helmet," he whispered, bracing himself for the sweet release of death.

Then, suddenly, _magically,_ the bird flew away. Peter let out a sob of relief, closing his eyes and leaning back, grateful to be allowed to live another day.

"Are you okay?" an amused voice that was definitely _not_ Karen asked.

Peter shrieked and watched in horror as his sandwich fell, landing on the disgusting, grimy, bird poop covered rooftop.

"Oh shit!" He looked up to see a white haired teenager standing nearby, wincing at Peter's ruined sandwich. "Sorry," he said, sounding honest. "That's um, that's my bad."

Peter let out a high pitched whine, staring at the gruesome corpse of his formerly beautiful sandwich.

"Why do the pigeon gods hate me?" he said, voice broken, so heartfelt that the guy paused for a solid minute before giving him a look of concern.

"I don't know. Have you ever accidentally kicked a pigeon?"

"Why would I do that? That would be _mean."_

His lips twitched upward in a smile, and Peter decided that if the pigeon was a demon then this was an angel, who would carry him off into the sunset and into the sandwich paradise where he could—

"—der-Man? Spider-Man? Are you okay?"

"Hm?" he blinked, looking into the beautiful green eyes of the ange—Wait. What was he _thinking?_ This was the sandwich murderer. He needed to stop him. Superheroes put sandwich murderers in jail. But maybe he could let him barely escape with his life and they could meet on the edge of the city in secret, proclaiming their love for each other and hiding from the law. And eventually Peter would tell him his identity, and they would move to Germany and start a new life. Wait, not Germany, Peter didn't know the slightest bit of German. Italy. Yeah, that sounded good. Aunt May and Mr. Stark could teach him Italian, and they'd live on nothing but pizza. It would be incredibly romantic.

"Is something wrong? Spider-Man?" Sandwich Murderer was super close now, holding Peter by the shoulders and looking concerned. Probably cause he murdered Peter's sandwich. That would make sense. He was too pretty to try and murder innocent sandwiches. It was probably an accident. Which meant he would willingly go to jail and promise to wait for Peter, and he would go see him every night and they'd look at each other through the glass and once he was released they would run into each other's arms and share a kiss in the rain.

"I love you," Peter said, and Sandwich Murderer blinked in surprise, eyes widening and cheeks turning green.

"What?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

He was really close. Peter could probably kiss him, but they hadn't had a heartfelt confession and years of sexual tension to build up to the moment. And it was probably rude to kiss over the corpse of his sandwich. Speaking of—

"You killed my sandwich." Sandwich murderer flinched.

"Right, sorry about that. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Wait, how did you get up here?"

"I flew." Oh no, was Sandwich Murderer crazy? It didn't matter. Peter would help him find his path in life and be with him throughout his delusions.

"What?"

"With my powers. Y'know, the ghost ones. Anyway, I should probably go. I just saw you over here talking to a bird and I was worried about you. Are you okay?"

He couldn't just _leave_. Didn't he _know_ how to live like he was in a poorly written fanfiction? This was the part where they fell in love and promised to meet again.

"Fine," he said.

"Alright, bye, I guess." Then he flew away. Literally flew. Into the sky. Like a balloon, but faster. A balloon that someone let the air out of? But he wasn't wiggling around wildly. Was he? Eh, it worked.

He flew away like a balloon someone let the air out of, leaving Peter sitting there in front of his sandwich's corpse.

There was a coo in front of him, and Peter shrieked as he looked down and _the demon pigeon was back._

"You have no soul," he told it. "Making the love of my life fly away from me like that. Heartless. Wait, you have no heart either. Well, you do. I can hear it. But it's definitely not a heart with love in it, except maybe for your family. If you have a family. Besides the one you were born into, of course." The bird didn't look intimidated by Peter's intimidating speech. Proof of it's lack of a soul.

"Mr. Stark is calling."

 _"Kid, why the_ hell _did you tell Karen to give me a plastic Iron Man helmet I didn't know you had?"_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this absolute piece of trash managed to bring a smile to your face. Kudos and comments make my day!


End file.
